“Everybody, I’m down here, at Golgotha, the site of last year’s kick ass music fest. This crowd is insane, I’ve never seen people so crazy over a single crucifixion. The Romans do like forty of these a day, but this one has really taken off.
I’m trying to get closer -- dude, back your Pharisee ass off! -- to get some better vid, but it’s like every fanatic in Jerusalem turned out -- yeah, so what, you’re a follower, big deal, get thee behind me!
The cruce is some guy named Jesus, who I think I’ve heard of, but he has like no online presence, so I don’t really know his game. Okay, cool, I can see better now, and, oh, wow are they -- is that a nail? Jesus Christ, the Romans are putting a big nail up to his feet -- and oh my god, oh my god, they just nailed his fucking feet to that wooden cross thing, are you seeing this? They nailed his fucking feet, man. I’ve never seen that before. They really hate this dude.
Now they’re raising the cross up, are you getting this, it’s kinda backlit. Okay, it’s in place, and, damn, they’re hanging him there, from nails! I can’t look at this, he’s really getting crunched, I just --- okay, breathe, breath -- yeah, yeah, okay, I can hack it. It’s just, whoa.
The Romans are backing away a little, let me see if I can get close enough to talk to him and get a little POV.
“Jesus! Jesus, can you hear me? It’s Dave. From @DDogLiveEvents, 1.7 mill followers. Dude, that foot thing, seriously, that had to fucking hurt. Can you -- wait, what’s that? Dude, louder, my cell isn’t picking you up! This is going out live on Instagram, just yell out the pain as loud as you can!
Okay, I can kind of hear you. What’s that, forgive who? These fucking Romans? They know not what they do? Looks to me like they know exactly what they do.
Bro, who’s your “Father”? Is he famous, can I follow him?
Hey, is that lady your Mom? Are you his Mom? How did this all happen? Like, what did he even do, this is some fucked up shit. I’ve been watching Roman murders a long time, this one is off the rails. Hey, easy, I know this is rough, but you don’t have to hit me! Those rosary beads hurt! Shit, my phone! You call yourself a Christian?”