When you get to heaven it’s just trillions of penguins, milling about, and a sign on the gates, “This is heaven. Make the best of it.”
Someday soon I will take you all to the mule farm, and you will each choose your mule, and we will ride them in geometric patterns, and one of you will ask, “But, may we call them burros?” And with that you shall all be banned from the mule farm, forever.
Sometimes, so I feel just an iota less lonely, I zoom with myself.
The true big lie is that babies can only cry and scream. They can actually sing like the angels above us from the moment they’re born. But they choose not to. Because nobody shoves a big tit in the face of a singer five times a day.
I will never forgive you for holding me accountable for my bullshit.
Charlie Chaplin collected pickle jars. At the time of his death he had the world’s largest collection of pickle jars from all over the world! True? Of course it could be, you don’t know everything, what’s wrong with you?
Modern tech has upgraded it to “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Seconds.”
God owes me. Let’s leave it at that.
[Girl talking to her girlfriend about dating Carl Jung.] “I don’t know. I mean, he’s smart. But he has a real dark side, you know?”
Man, if these walls could talk. They’d probably say, “This roof is… really… heavy.”
My grandfather gave great advice. He would often sit me down, light a pipe, and say, “Never believe a fucking word I say.”
I told my kids that when I was growing up, all the Moms in the neighborhood would put you on the roof if you were bad, so all the Dads could drive in from work and see who needed to be spanked that night. I’m still proud of that one.
I’d like to build a building covered in human fly paper just so I could walk past every day and see who I caught.
Sometimes I go out in nature, and just sit, and breathe, and think about how I’d like to build a really big condo right here.
She asked if I had any hobbies, and I said vomiting, and now we don’t talk.
Disorderly conduct seems like a pretty vague concept.
Remember ten minutes ago? We were so happy then.
I’m charging you with overly orderly conduct.
It’s possible to be a disorderly orderly.
Sometimes I start a really nice, roaring fire in the fireplace, and then I realize I don’t like fires, and I don’t have a fireplace, and it’s just me, balled up in the corner, screaming.
“A light has gone out in the world.” (I say this every night when I turn out the light and get in bed. It's about gravitas, people.)
Life’s pretty tough when you’re not fully latched onto the big corporate titty.
Swear to God, the weirder people make their religions the more people buy into them.
Okay, try again, but this time, say something smart.
If you had only been better at living the way he likes, God wouldn’t have burned you down!
There have been over 30,000 languages in human history, and there are currently 6,000 still being spoken. And yet you suck at the most popular one. Historic level burn!
Not many people know this, but soon after his breakthrough performance in “Wizard of Oz,” Dorothy’s little dog, Toto, informed on many of the actors who ended up being blackballed on Hollywood’s notorious blacklist.
Why in The Lord’s Prayer do we have to ask him to “lead us not into temptation”? What’s this guy up to, anyway?
Sometimes I’ll give myself a black eye, and when people ask, “What happened to you?” I say, “I asked too many goddamned questions.”
When someone says they’re saving for college, I ask, “Sperm?”
No one cares about The Villain’s Journey.
I can honestly say that I’ve never expanded my vocabulary listening to country music.
Which came first, Tuesdays or tacos?
“God says…” “Wait, hold that thought while I try to telepathically convey just how much I don’t care about the rest of this sentence. Are you getting it? Or is God blocking the transmission?”
God seems to give a shit about a lot of things.
She said she would like to hear more compliments, and I said, about you? and now we don’t talk.
Is bleaching your butthole the only option? Are there dyes?
She said she wanted someone on her intellectual level, and I said, well, I’ll try to bring it down as much as I can, but no promises, and now we don’t talk.
So, God made the planet for us. But first he let dinosaurs dominate it for 275 million years. And before that, it was weird ferns and gasses for like 13.5 billion years. But, yeah, sure, we’re the chosen ones. We're the end game.
Bother anyone that if not for a random meteor the entire planet would still be crawling with massive reptiles eating each other’s faces off?
Serious question, how much coke do you think Santa snorts to get around the entire world in one night?
If just one time a bunch of pine trees cut the feet off a human, planted him, decorated him, and kept him alive in the forest for a couple of weeks, things would change, man. Things would so change.
I think it’s sad how many little trees get kidnapped at Christmas, and how blatantly people drive around with them tied to the tops of their cars like that. I hope their big pine tree parents have the money for the ransom. Amen.
And now, another quick tip from a fucking idiot!
Just saying, if it were me, I would have brought the baby Jesus gifts of adult-sized metal gloves and socks.
Just be thankful for what God hasn’t done to you yet.
Did you know that Mein Kampf was rejected by over forty publishers before a small house took a chance on an unknown writer named Adolph? Follow your dreams, people!
They won’t let you have a bad day in Australia.
I don’t trust dogs. Have you seen the quality of people they love?