In the end, it may be that naps are all you need.
“I want someone who can make me laugh.” [Tries to make her laugh.] “Ooh, that’s too mean.” [Stops trying to make her laugh.]
Pigeons seem like a bad idea.
Big Bang or Big Spit Take?
Are people still boiling bunnies? Or was that just an 80’s thing?
You say virgin wilderness like you know something.
I see you trip the light mediocre.
Yes, Instagram, I’m willing to trade a small amount of my attention for interestingly semi-nude pictures of people I don’t know. Please continue under this arrangement.
I suddenly realize that after nearly six decades on the planet, I have never verbally spoken the words “I demand!” in any context.
If you look closely at one of those old master’s paintings hanging in the Louvre, you’ll see a character, a painter, holding a paint brush and a palette, looking back at you with an expression of “What the fuck are you looking at?” on his face. I cannot tell you which one. You must search. Good luck.
I suddenly realize that after nearly six decades on the planet, I have never verbally spoken the words “I demand!” in any context.
Anyone got an explanation about why God’s such a prick?
I haven’t been to church in like thirty years, but sure seems like Jesus is a lot pickier about who he accepts than I remember.
Do you think the people on the Bataan Death March had any idea that one day their suffering would be used as an ironic description of having to walk through an entire mall carrying someone's purse?
Hey, it’s been awhile! You get all that therapy you needed?
I get it. You’re a goddess.
Living the scream, man.
If I make it to heaven I’m just going to be a total asshole all the time. It’s over, they judged you as worthy already. Total loophole, you’re welcome.
God’s a liar.
"Chores teach kids responsibility." Chores teach kids to hate work. Next issue.
Oh, no, no, no. I’m way too good at this to let you get away with being bad at this.
I’m on an overeating strike.
Has anyone checked if Michael Jackson has risen from the dead yet?
I work remote. Emotionally.
She’s a minus-sized model.
I think my 23-year-old is teething.
Does every country have its own bulldog?
In the original “Hansel and Gretel,” the kids cut off the witch's head and went bowling with it. But that was back when people could take a real life story.
Bruce Springsteen was born and raised in Thailand until he was seven. Look it up!
I’m addicted to being right.