The Wiz of Oz flying monkeys vs the Planet of the Apes chimps -- and go!
Changing my name to Werner Zeussel. And then to Dietrich Kerky. Followed by Werner Schmeidel. Marlon Schnitt. Evelyn Acktun. And finally, Gisela Struwe. Maybe others, but they all must come from the cast and crew of the 1985 German film, “Sugarbaby.”
I’ve stopped bettering myself. I’m done. This is as good as I’m going to get. Let’s move on.
What are we going to do about these massive gaps in your knowledge set?
I predict that your insufficient skill set will cause us problems here today.
Why so many questions?
Corn rowed her nipple hair.
God is in a hammock, drinking Mai Tais, thinking he did a good job.
In the South we sing it, “You Are My Moonshine.”
I’ve named all of you as executors on my will. You will split my vast empire based on how well you sing the song, “You Are My Moonshine.” This is my final gift to you. Play the game, do your best, I’ll see you in Riferania.
Some of you began in the stockroom of a liquor store.
I asked what she thought about a weekend getaway, and she said sure, and I said, I meant a get away from you, and now we don’t talk.
“She’s the little old lady who grabbed my penis…”
A lot of y’all find The Rock way more compelling than I do.
Cows just wander around India thinking, “Fuck these people.”
“My heroes have always been porn stars…”
Watching the World Cup in my American flag Speedo. Hear that “Europe”? Two can play at this game.
In a major twist, it turns out you go to hell for telling others what they’re going to hell for.
Every Thanksgiving we hire local actors to play the parts of relatives who have passed on. Maybe it's just the way he guzzles whiskey and threatens children, but the guy who is playing dead grandpa is absolutely killing it this year.
Wooo-hooo, this Waffle House is rockin’ on Thanksgiving night! Shots with the waitresses, Fireball and syrup shooters for everybody!
One Tgiving highlight so far, Grandma squirting all the vegetables with liquid fat from the turkey baster, screaming, “Eat it or starve, you brittle-boned vegan commies!”
Having half an old tortilla for Thanksgiving. #saddestthanksgivingsIcanthinkof
Ever shoved your junk deep into the carcass of a well-basted turkey? Hey, just making conversation here.
I think Southern people need to look up the actual definition of “ambrosia.”
Thanksgiving was one of the holidays my slightly crazy, 6th-grade educated Indiana grandmother would visit. She looked like a garden gnome come to life, her eyes were always closed, she shook from her “nerve meds,” and ate mounds of gravy and mashed potatoes, while talking about how she went to Burger King yesterday. Good times. Good times.
One Tgiving highlight so far, Grandma squirting all the vegetables with liquid fat from the turkey baster, screaming, “Eat it or starve, you brittle-boned vegan commies!”
Thankshiving!
John Madden is in heaven today, frantically over-explaining to a bunch of transfixed angels the concept of giving a turkey leg to football players he likes.
Getting ready to sit down with all the relatives and crank up the traditional Thanksgiving family viewing of “Apocalypse Now”! We do shots and yell out lines, but substitute Tgiving stuff -- “I love the smell of giblets in the morning!” “Do you think my sweet potatoes are unsound?”
[Grandma and I at the Tgiving table, recreating the great Pulp Fiction scene. I play Jules, the Samuel L. Jackson role. She is “Brett.” We begin.] Jules: “What does Marsellus Wallace look like?” Brett: “Well, he’s, he’s… black.” Jules: “Go on.”
What drugs were served at the original Thanksgiving?
I appreciate this singer on her Macy’s float trying to slut up this song a bit, but maybe remember the actor kids all around you wearing pajamas?
I would pay good money to hear the internal monologues of all these actors being paid to dance around these Macy’s parade floats.
If your Dad is a paid dancer in a Thanksgiving parade, you’re paying for your own college.
Tonight, at midnight, the refrigerator door slowly opens, and the zombie turkey carcass emerges, ready for revenge.
I’ve been drinking since last Thanksgiving.
This is a totally true statement -- a guy at the gym this morning was walking around, on Thanksgiving, playing drumsticks. I’ll let you decide exactly what that means.
Questions -- love them or hate them?
“What’s your favorite color?” “Bleak. Like my future.”
Let’s put away the fun now, so we can work. Uhh, do you know how much fun you can waste over a lifetime that way? Let’s mix the fun right into the work, sluice it all together, like a nice fun-work smoothie, whattaya say?
“The Shot Singer.” Someone shoots a singer, but they still must deliver an amazing performance. Next on FOX!
Nobody smotes anymore.
Faith -- believe it even if it isn’t true.
I’ve learned so much, and yet remember so little.
“Your father loves you, he just doesn’t know how to say it.” “So he’s been alive for fifty years, and he hasn’t matured enough to say three words? That’s not exactly a testament to his character, is it?”
The tyrannosaurus tried to be nice, and comfort his girlfriend. But she said his hugs just felt… feeble.
“I’m leaving you. I’ve never been happy. And sex with you is like humping a bag of old seed potatoes.” “Sir? I’m just the check out girl.” “Oh, sorry. Just practicing. How much do I owe you?”
The danger in asking someone how they’re doing is that they might tell you.
Animal was a normal guy in the band until he started licking Kermit’s back.
“Maybe we should talk more? You know, chat it up?” [Starts to talk about all her problems, the things she hates, the minutiae of her day, her bad relationships.] “Or…”
Has anybody tried licking Kermit?
Whenever someone in a movie yells, “You have no right to judge me!” the other person always has the right to judge them.
“May all your dreams come true.” “All of them? Damn, my third grade teacher and that giraffe are not going to like that.”
“Only you can prevent forest fires.” “Damn, I’m going to be really busy.”
“It’s never too late to reconcile. You have to try again.” “She died three years ago.” “Yes, but have you heard of seances?”
She said she was getting a timeshare, and I said we all share time, there’s no other choice, and now we don’t talk.
I bet Kermit is smokeable.
“I’m going to saw a lady in half.” “You’re a magician?” “No, why?"
“My wife, I get no respect. We have separate bedrooms. I'm in ours, she's in someone else’s.” (Writing for the dead.)
Every week, Oscar the Grouch screaming, holding on for life to the sides of his can, as the mechanical arm of the garbage truck lifts him up, bangs the can upside down above the metal vise of death.
Goddamn, it makes you feel good when octopuses clap for you.
“Omg, you’re so quirky, I love it!” “I’m breaking up with you, I said I want a divorce.” “I know, but the way you said it, so, so funny!”
New law, you have to bag all your dog’s dog shit, and then put all the little bags into a big black garbage bag, and then carry that with you any time you take your dog for a walk.
In heaven we all just work in a big laundromat, cleaning angel gowns all day.
Bud Lite reminds you to drink responsibly. But definitely still drink. Just don’t take it out on the streets. Pass out face down on your floor. Like a responsible alcoholic. We’re here for that.
Some really natty shit happens. God shrugs. Next day rolls around.