I just saw a commercial, on TV, about joining Scientology. It was a commercial, on TV, asking you to join… Scientology.
Are you saying you want to put your science up against my magical Jesus? You know Jesus is everywhere, right? Is science? Jesus was crucified, has science been crucified? Don’t remember Einstein with a crown of thorns, dude. Magic Jesus! Magic Jesus!
No one ever seems to care why the chicken did anything else in its life.
We never got to see Mary Poppins poop.
No way God would have stopped with getting just one woman pregnant.
Animals just be eating each other, dirt, rocks, blood, ass, seems to make no difference at all.
Change? Why would I want you to change? I’d rather deal with the ahole you are than the bigger ahole you’d probably become.
I see your inspirational doggerel, and raise you a “meh.”
I’m formally charging you with an array of humor rights violations.
I bet as you walk up to heaven there’s a cheap ass white Christmas tree at the entrance.
I feel like I have been exploited by the capitalist system, and I am demanding full restitution. I am currently waiting to hear back. On what should be a much nicer couch.
What did the annoying fox from “Green Eggs and Ham” do for his next gig?
None of Dr. Seuss’s characters ever got another gig.
No one has ever intimidated another human being while standing there in their boxers and black socks.
Oh, honey, that’s not going to cut it.
Writing a little documentary named “See, Told You My Wife’s a Bitch.” Send donations in lieu of flowers to WhoDidHeThinkHeWas.com.
I consider this strip club sacred. And I will chain myself to a stripper for as long as it takes to keep it open, because my ancestors spent many a dollar bill here.
Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Put them in several baskets, so you can’t keep track of them, and someone can come along and steal your baskets because you can’t watch them all, and you forget you have them, so the eggs rot and spoil and stink. Advice!
To counteract uplifting things like Soul Cycle and keep the world in its natural spiritual balance, I formally announce Cyni-Cycle. Come and pump hard as the class leader rails about all the awful things in the world you need to stay in-shape for.
“Say something interesting.” “Like what?” “Never mind.”
“‘Til about 500 annoying goddamn little things culminating in a very ugly scene at the Olive Garden do you part.”
Do happily married people just have really low standards? Wtf?
Chatty lady wouldn’t leave me alone in the jacuzzi this morning, literally asked, “What are you thinking about so deeply over there?” And I so wish I had answered, “Murder.”
“Brother, have you heard about our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ?” “No, but I have heard of a Jesus who enthralls people with his old world bullshit and gets them to randomly proselytize to strangers. Same guy?” "Um, yeah. Guess so."
For those who were about to rock, but decided to go home and get some sleep so they could get up early the next day and enjoy their lives.
I give out candy surgical masks.
Going out as an optimist for Halloween. Just like every other day.
We work on Halloween. Because it’s the devil’s holiday, that’s why.
The Grim Reaper should give out those vibrating disks you get at restaurants.
Yeah, but you should hear the party happening on the Eastern front.