I’m not impressed with your $4 million dollar home. Or your $200,000 car. Or all the original art you own. Or your full court basketball set-up. Or your -- oh, fuck it! Dude, you’ve got a lot of really cool shit!
I pay for goods and services with jokes. My advice is to laugh heartily at the first one, or we could be here a while.
I live nearby, in the left side of the hull of a large, rusted out industrial oil drum, which I share with a family of raccoons and a Japanese guy who sorta kinda still believes the war is on. Want to see my goggle collection?
Thoroughly modernist bullshit, not accepting payment in scalps.
Jesus hems and haws, then finally admits he wasn’t paying real close attention, on Fudgment Day.
The war of 1812 went through 1815. Believe nothing.
The staunch turkey, however, stood his ground, and dared the road to cross him.
Chickens reportedly digging tunnelways beneath roads. It’s a brand new world out there, people.
Has there ever been a scene filmed where a new kid comes into a group of kids and they are all just really nice to her?
She said she had MS, and I was like, “You have Mississippi?" and now we don’t talk.
On a scale of 1-2, how limited do you feel?
“It’s okay, my faith is strong. God will guide me.” God: “Who?”
Death comes on us all. Wait…
That reciprocating saw has never given me a goddamned thing.
Did Jesus play piano? Seems like a guy who would have played the piano.
She said it was the best writing she had ever done, and I said, “That’s not necessarily a compliment,” and now we don’t talk.
Maybe I spend too much time trying to pick the high-hanging fruit.
If you find me interesting, we probably aren’t a match.
Nine-word replacement Bible: “Shut the fuck up and be a good person.”
I break up with people with this final statement: “And, with that, I leave you to your demons.”
My rock band -- Who Cares Who? -- is only about the music.