Macbeth grading papers as high school English teacher -- “This paper just goes on and on, signifying nothing. When I hear the sound of it in my head, it fills me with nothing short of fury.”
Babies are born atheists.
Wonder how I’m doing on liferater.com?
People say dogs just love us, unconditionally. I’m not so sure. It’s probably good that we can’t hear what they’re thinking when we drag them around on a leash, pulling them away from everything they want to smell. Probably a whole lotta, “Mf’r, I was sniffing that.”
I’m starting to think we need a Talk-People-Into-Commiting-Suicide hotline.
Should we illegalize Texas?
Sometimes I think about how lucky you are to have me.
How did she limit it to only 10 things she hated about you?
I’d rather live your best life.
There’s enough silicone on the Los Angeles Bumble to waterproof half the city.
Good Lord! “Lady Shatterly’s Lover” is not the book I was after at all. Not even close.
Been learning how to golf. But I don’t have clubs, balls, carts, clothes, and I never go to golf courses, or ever play golf. So I’m learning very, very slowly.
Just be grateful you didn’t build on an ancient Scottish burial ground. A ghost with access to bagpipes? Even the best priest couldn’t take that exorcism.
When they hired me they asked, “Do you always give two weeks’ notice?” I’m like, “Absolutely. After I’m gone for two weeks, I promise you’re going to notice I’m not there anymore.”
She said, “I write children’s books,” and I said, “Do you intend to, or are you just stupid?” and now we don’t talk.
Mustard’s like, “No, yeah, it’s cool, bro. Add whatever else you want after you add me. Still gonna taste like mustard.”
I’ve trained my demons to sing in harmony.
We should all just show up en masse, walk into our high schools one day, and deny we ever left.
Hi, I’m your future boyfriend. Sorry.
One thing you gotta admire about life, it never stops throwing punches.
One thing I know -- life keeps throwing punches. So, hit the emotional gym, get bulked, learn your fight-through-it MMA. Otherwise, it’s just a bunch of bleeding.
Hmm, so do I put you down as part of the solution, or part of the problem? Your call!
6 am. I’m at the gym. But so is Satan. Damn it!
Got my friends an engagement gift. Which weirded them out, because they don’t even know each other.
I’d like to know more about you. Okay, that’s enough.
Those lines by your eyes, crow’s feet? Couldn’t they at least have picked a nicer bird to stomp on your face? “Oh, look, you’re getting parakeet feet.”
I finally asked, “Why do flamingos stand on one leg?” The answer I received was satisfying, but changed nothing. This has been an allegory.
Jerry Seinfeld steals socks.
I play poker with my demons, and the loser has to take control for a week.
When we die I bet we find out that God has one of those goddamned magician mustaches.
Well, hello, human minefield.
The God of Salad is a weaker god.
Jesus never voted! If you’re a conservative Christian, you shouldn’t vote, too! Be like Jesus, don’t vote!
Julius Caesar stabbed himself 57 times! True history cannot be suppressed! Fight me!
Where you from, baby? Goodlookistan? (My pickup game is powerful.)