Honk if you hate people who don’t love Jesus.
So you’ll feel better if I apologize for shit you caused. Ohhh-kaay.
Blessed be the meek. Because they’re weak and you can kick the shit out of them and take their shit, which is, in itself, a blessing.
At this point I'd be happy if you just let the mediocre times roll.
If I go to confession and don’t get a gasp from the priest, I feel like I’ve wasted the man's time.
People say I read too much into simple comments, but I knew what she meant when she said, “Sir, please drive around to the second window.”
I’d like to hit God with a bag of oranges.
Jesus is my only sexual partner. Got a problem with that?
I take confession as a challenge.
The bravest thing I ever did was to just book a weekend ticket to Paris, and the next morning eat croissants by myself on the Champs-Elysees, near an old man smoking a hand-rolled cigarette, looking back on his life as if in a time tunnel. Oh, and to lie about doing this.
Santa has ninety million illegitimate children. Guy came down a lot of chimneys.
I’m actually a lot more familiar with passive out-go.
“How’d you get here, hot air balloon? Self-fueled?” Boom! You been zurned! (Zinged and burned, yep.)
Women be like, “I’m flawed, love me!”
If you sneeze three times in a row, you’ll spontaneously say, “Oh, man!” Four times, you automatically switch to “Jesus!” Fifth time, it becomes, “Oh my God!” The more you sneeze, the higher on the supernatural ladder you ascend. Nature and her ways.
She said she was looking for something casual, but when I dropped by her place in a Speedo, chugging from a decent quality bottle of tequila, she seemed uptight about the whole thing.
I had never thought of it that way. Probably because what you just said is so fucking stupid. But points for originality.
How can telling someone to “Keep your pants on” be the same advice as telling someone to “Hold your horses”?
Do public service announcements work? Well, I’m almost 60, and I’m still in high school. So when they ordered me to “Stay in School,” that shit stuck.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?” “Yeah, that’s when I was selling weed and living for free in my girlfriend’s parent’s basement for like, what, how long was it, three years? Six? Wow, time flies when you’re living free and high.”
She said she was very, very conservative, and I said, “Der Fuhrer will be glad to hear that,” and then the date really picked up from there.
She said she wanted a man who was vulnerable. And yet, when she opened her front door and saw me lying there in a diaper and baby bonnet, nothing but repulsion on her face.
I never made the varsity basketball team. I also never tried out. I wanted them to come to me, you know? I still consider it one of my life’s great failures. Persevere, people. Persevere.
Your money and your life.
You should read my new screenplay, it’s a lot like “Pretty Woman.” Except there are no women, and no one’s pretty.
Then this random mfr called me a misanthrope.
House of the Dragon renamed House of the Squabbles.
Worse prequel, House of the Dragon, or The Hobbit? Both are insufferable, but which is insufferabler?
Exec producers of House of Dragons, looking at scripts: “Yeah, yeah, this is great. But how do we get another shitty childbirth scene in here? Can we have people stand around more? Why would we need likable characters, that’s a crutch.”
If you’re going to have a woman announce an NFL game -- totally cool, it’s your right, progressive, progressive, kisses, kisses -- then next time the Olympics come around you have to let a couple of NFL linemen call ice dancing.
Oh, CBS, the last thing I want to hear during an NFL game is a woman’s voice commenting on every play.